


garreg mach homiesexuals

by naweyn, sylvained



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Friends to Lovers, Multi, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Texting, fellas is it gay? yes it is, literally all the characters are here, they make a gc and they're all Chaotic TM as expected
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2020-09-30 19:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20452643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/naweyn/pseuds/naweyn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylvained/pseuds/sylvained
Summary: if she breathes she’s a thot:who put this as my nickname. i demand to have it changed immediately.let’s do it baby i know the law:no can do buddyall women are queens:come on lorenz we’re matchingif she breathes she’s a thot:respectfully, sylvain… you’re the last person i want to match with.





	1. no fighting shakira shakira

**Author's Note:**

> NICKNAMES:
> 
> Edelgard: edgelord  
Hubert: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way  
Ferdinand: stream lover  
Dorothea: girl hot  
Petra: be crime do gay  
Bernadetta: sewing machine  
Caspar: five foot something and i’m royalty  
Linhardt: i’m baby
> 
> Dimitri: ronald mcdonald  
Dedue: love is stored in the dedue  
Ingrid: taylor swift  
Felix: Read 5:55 pm  
Sylvain: all women are queens  
Ashe: gay rights in the soup  
Mercedes: lawful good  
Annette: watch naruto
> 
> Claude: let’s do it baby i know the law  
Hilda: world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm  
Lysithea: midget  
Marianne: tired horse girl  
Raphael: vegan anti  
Ignatz: uwu ^-^  
Lorenz: if she breathes she’s a thot  
Leonie: dilf fucker 
> 
> Byleth: Man I Love Fishing

**4:20 pm**

**all women are queens ** created the group  **garreg mach homiesexuals**

  
  


**all women are queens: ** hey sexies

**dilf fucker: ** ???

**uwu ^-^: ** uh… hi?

**ronald mcdonald: ** sylvain, what is this?

**edgelord: ** and why are these our nicknames?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** i hope you all like the nicknames we spent a long time making them up for all of you

**ronald mcdonald: ** ah, i should’ve known you were involved in this as well, claude

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** what the hell is that supposed to mean

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** who put this as my nickname. i demand to have it changed immediately.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** no can do buddy

**all women are queens: ** come on lorenz we’re matching

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** respectfully, sylvain… you’re the last person i want to match with.

**all women are queens: ** wow fuck you too

**all women are queens: ** now i’m definitely not changing it

**girl hot: ** no fighting!! this isn’t why we made this chat!!

**edgelord: ** ah, so you were a part of this too, dorothea?

**girl hot: ** yess i thought it was a great idea so we can all get to know each other better!! <3

**sewing machine: ** ohhhh that sounds nice but im kinda nervous ;;;;

**girl hot: ** aw don’t be bernie!! i’m here to take care of you <33

**be crime do gay: ** I am liking the sound of this idea!

**love is stored in the dedue: **Agreed. It is one of Sylvain’s better ideas.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** wow it wasn’t all sylvain you know

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way:** I’m not fond of it. I have no reason to get to know any of you. 

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** Except for Lady Edelgard, of course.

**girl hot: ** hubie :( don’t be so negative!! 

**stream lover: ** GREAT idea i love this

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** Of course you do. 

**stream lover: ** what does that mean

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** Nothing.

**stream lover: ** 🤨

**Read 5:55 pm: ** why am i here? i have no desire to talk to 90% of you.

**all women are queens: ** aw am i part of that 10% felix? ;)

**Read 5:55 pm: ** no.

**all women are queens: ** :(

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** OOF rejected

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** woah guys

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** no need to be so harsh

**watch naruto: ** yeah!! let’s all be friends!!

**lawful good: ** Let’s listen to Annie and be nice to each other, everyone ! 💖

**all women are queens: ** no fighting shakira shakira

**be crime do gay: ** I am having a thought that Annette’s idea is good! Friendship is what Dorothea’s intention is!

**girl hot: ** that’s right petra <3

**tired horse girl: ** oh.. uhm yeah, please no fighting ;; it makes me nervous

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** y’all heard her no one is allowed to fight ever again

**tired horse girl: ** oh! thank you for agreeing hilda

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** np babe!!

**girl hot: ** so!! how was everyone’s day!! 

**be crime do gay: ** I am always having great days with Edelgard and Dorothea!

**girl hot: ** <33

**sewing machine: ** ummmm i didn’t do much today ;; but it was nice…

**vegan anti: ** Oh hey! Whered this group come from?? I just got back from training lol :)

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** of course you did

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** i didn’t do anything today it’s been wonderful

**dilf fucker: ** uh hilda… i thought you didn’t show up to class because you had a doctor’s appointment?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** oops haha yeah i mean i did nothing AFTER the doctor’s appointment :)

**dilf fucker: ** ...sure

**all women are queens: ** i was sexy as usual today ;)

**Read 5:55pm: ** doubtful.

**all women are queens:** ouch…

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** rejected AGAIN

**gay rights in the soup: ** it’s been great, thanks for asking dorothea! i just finished up some cooking

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** oh hey me too

**gay rights in the soup: ** nice! what’d you make, caspar?

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** nothing special i just microwaved some mayo

**gay rights in the soup: ** what the fuck

**taylor swift: ** …………………………………….

**taylor swift: ** you what now????

**be crime do gay: ** I am not having understanding… Is microwaving the mayonnaise common in this country?

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** yes

**girl hot: ** absolutely not honey caspar has just lost his mind

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** u guys are so quick to hate it actually tastes good

**Read 5:55 pm: ** what the fuck. no it doesn’t. 

**all women are queens: ** let the man speak i think he’s onto something here

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **tbh i think it’s innovative

**sewing machine: ** ummmmm

**sewing machine: ** that doesn’t sound nice :( 

**edgelord: ** it sounds awful. caspar, please stop attempting to ‘cook’, for the good of your health

**girl hot: ** ^^^^^ pls

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** linhardt was asleep!!!! what was i supposed to do

**lawful good: ** Oh! That is certainly a very interesting meal, Caspar

**love is stored in the dedue: ** No, it’s a disgrace to the delicate art of cooking. Caspar should be punished for this.

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** wtf bro it was just some mayo

**love is stored in the dedue: ** I said what I said.

**all women are queens: ** GUYS

**all women are queens: ** I SAID NO FIGHTING

**dilf fucker: ** alright, this is starting to get out of hand. i’m adding professor byleth to keep an eye on all of you

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** wtf you can’t just do that

**dilf fucker ** added ** Byleth Eisner** to the group

**dilf fucker: ** woops too late!

**Byleth Eisner: ** ?

**midget: ** LEONIE

**dilf fucker: ** :)

**Byleth Eisner: ** Can someone explain what this is?

**all women are queens: ** i’d be honored to ;)

**Byleth Eisner: ** ...Someone else?

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** LMSDHSJDSK HARSH

**all women are queens: ** ngl that hurt a little

**edgelord: ** I’ll explain. 

**edgelord: ** Sylvain created this group chat with Dorothea and Claude, in order for everyone to get to know each other better. Unfortunately, the chat turned chaotic quickly, which led to Leonie adding you in the hopes that you would keep the peace. 

**Byleth Eisner: ** I see. Thank you, Edelgard.

**all women are queens: ** i could’ve said that but like. way less wordy

**taylor swift: ** stfu sylvain

**gay rights in the soup:** professor!! i hope u don’t mind being part of this gc

**Byleth Eisner: ** I don’t mind! Don’t worry :)

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** alright but if teach is gonna be here she needs a cool nickname like the rest of us

**midget: ** ‘cool’

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** awwwwwwww is the baby upset because of her nickname? :(

**midget: ** i’m NOT a baby. don’t speak to me

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** SDFKSDF someone’s cranky

**midget: ** .

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** anyway

**let’s do it baby i know the law ** changed  **Byleth Eisner** ’s nickname to  **Man I Love Fishing**

**all women are queens:** LSDKFJHSDJFSDF 

**Man I Love Fishing: ** I do love fishing :)

**Man I Love Fishing: ** Anyway, I must be off. Try not to cause too much chaos while I’m not here to watch over you. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** you got it teach!

**edgelord: ** I’ll do my best to make sure they behave, professor.

**Man I Love Fishing: ** Also, Leonie, I must say I don’t like the sound of your nickname. Please see me after class tomorrow

**dilf fucker: ** WAIT NO ITS SYLVAIN’S FAULT

**all women are queens: ** why do you automatically assume it’s me????

**taylor swift: ** how could one  _ not  _ automatically assume it’s you

**dilf fucker: ** PROFESSOR PLEASE

**Man I Love Fishing** is offline

**dilf fucker: ** i hate all of you

**10:32 pm**

**i’m baby: ** uh

**i’m baby: ** would someone like to explain why i just woke up to over 100 notifications?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for reading !! we hope u enjoyed ! kudos & comments are appreciated ♡


	2. swiftie horse girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **stream lover:** fine but ur not gonna be accepted into our exclusive club with that attitude
> 
> **if she breathes she’s a thot:** who said i want to be in your stupid club?
> 
> **let’s do it baby i know the law:** uhm
> 
> **taylor swift:** lol
> 
> **stream lover:** you did?????? on several occasions?????
> 
> **girl hot:** true u rly never shut up about it lorenz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions of alcohol in this chapter!!

** _garreg mach homiesexuals _ **

**3:27 pm**

**stream lover: **ladies and gays

**stream lover: **are we all streaming LOVER by our lord and savior taylor swift today?

**taylor swift: **obviously

**all women are queens: **you know it sister

**tired horse girl: **yes!

**ronald mcdonald: **i don’t usually ‘stream’ but i make an exception for her.

**Read 5:55 pm: **i am unfortunately being forced to listen to it. it’s not that good. 

**all women are queens: **oh shut up felix i saw you bopping your head to the man earlier

**Read 5:55 pm: **did not. 

**taylor swift: **👀

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **no. i will not listen to any of that woman’s music. 

**stream lover: **fine but ur not gonna be accepted into our exclusive club with that attitude 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **who said i want to be in your stupid club?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **uhm

**taylor swift:** lol

**stream lover: **you did?????? on several occasions?????

**girl hot: **true u rly never shut up about it lorenz

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **wait what club are we talking about here

**taylor swift: **oh man

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **that is hardly any of your concern, caspar.

**tired horse girl: **that’s kind of mean, lorenz ;; it’s not like it’s a secret!

**all women are queens: **oh allow me to explain

**all women are queens: **i got u lil man

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **don’t call me that

**all women are queens: **sorry

**all women are queens: **anyway

**all women are queens: **the “exclusive club” is literally just a group chat for the horse riding club

**all women are queens: **but only for those who also happen to be a swiftie

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **kinda thought it would be a cooler club than that but ok

**all women are queens: **what’s cooler than a swiftie horse girl gc

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **a secret boxing club or something idk 

**i’m baby: **so like fight club

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **yeah!!! i love that movie!!!

**i’m baby: **i know you do cas 

**be crime do gay: **I am having a question… What is a swiftie?

**edgelord: **it’s the name of a fan of taylor swift.

**be crime do gay: **Oh! Then I am swiftie! 

**girl hot: **<3 yes you are!

**all women are queens: **lorenz isn’t a swiftie though 

**all women are queens: **hence why he isn’t included

**all women are queens: **:)

**lawful good: **That doesn’t sound very nice… Why can’t Lorenz be in the chat, too?

**all women are queens: **well you see dear mercedes

**taylor swift: **he’s annoying as hell

**ronald mcdonald: **he is.

**stream lover: **the most annoying

**tired horse girl: **i… i agree actually ;; 

**all women are queens: **yeah that’s why

**watch naruto: **oh my… if even marianne agrees he must’ve been very annoying :o

**love is stored in the dedue: **I trust his Highness. He is an excellent judge of character.

**ronald mcdonald: **thank you, dedue!

**taylor swift: **yeah it got to the point where we had to make a rule that said to be in the group chat you have to be a swiftie

**all women are queens: **which lorenz isn’t big brained enough for

**stream lover: **so he was kicked out. problem solved!

**ronald mcdonald: **^ it was the best course of action to take, and one we discussed at length together. 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **hmph.

**Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way: **That’s a foolish reason to remove Lorenz from the group.

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **finally, someone who understands my point of view. thank you, hubert.

**Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way: **I was not defending you. I was merely pointing out the childishness of their logic.

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **i see.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **hey what’s up guys

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **ooo are we bullying lorenz that’s my favorite past time

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **omg i heard we’re bullying lorenz so i’m here

**midget: **did i hear someone say bullying and lorenz in the same sentence? count me in

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **i demand you all to stop this ludicrous behavior at once. i haven’t done anything to deserve being treated like this.

**midget: **uh yeah you have

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **are we just gonna forget about the time you asked me for feet pics??

**stream lover: **HE WHAT

**all women are queens: **dude that’s not how you pick up girls

**Read 5:55 pm: **as if you know any better.

**dilf fucker: **oof do you need help with that burn sylvain

**all women are queens: **:( you wound me felix 

**Read 5:55 pm: **good.

**taylor swift: **sorry your love life sucks sylvain but can we get back to the issue at hand here

**taylor swift: **lorenz asked for FEET PICS??????? 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **preposterous. i have never done such a thing. 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **lmao yeah you did

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i have proof

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: [[lorenzisdisgusting.jpg]](https://imgur.com/a/ldvVVDn)**

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **there goes my blackmail material but it’s for a good cause 

**midget: **there it is

**sewing machine: **ummmmm…..wow;;;

**girl hot: **oh my… you weren’t lying

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **duh i never lie

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **idk about that hilda but i’ll let it slide so we can focus on the issue at hand

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **which is that lorenz has an ACTUAL FOOT FETISH

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **this is ridiculous. we all do stupid things while intoxicated. just think about everything sylvain has done. 

**all women are queens: **hey don’t bring me into this 

**taylor swift: **you’re right but i don’t think he’s ever done anything on this level 

**all women are queens: **i don’t know how to react to that

**uwu ^-^: **yes it sounds a bit extreme… even worse than when leonie got drunk and wouldn’t shut up about how hot professor jeralt is…

**vegan anti: **Haha i remember that!! 

**dilf fucker: **oh my goddess are you guys ever gonna let me live that down 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **nope :)

** _Man I Love Fishing _ ** _ is online _

**Man I Love Fishing: **Leonie? Would you care to explain what Ignatz is talking about?

**dilf fucker: **uhm NOPE

**dilf fucker** is offline

**uwu ^-^:** oops… sorry leonie!

**gay rights in the soup: **oh my goddess i feel like i just witnessed a murder

**lawful good: **Guys… I feel like we are getting a bit hostile here. Remember Dorothea said this chat was made for friendship, not fighting! Let’s all try to be nicer to each other

**Man I Love Fishing: **Mercedes is right. I don’t have the time to watch over you guys all the time so please be civil, alright?

** _Man I Love Fishing _ ** _ is offline _

**all women are queens: **sorry momcedes and prof byleth

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **we’ll behave 

  


** _swiftie horse girls_ **

**3:53pm**

**tired horse girl: **ummmm

**tired horse girl: **i’ve been thinking……

**tired horse girl: **maybe….we should let lorenz back in the club??? 

**tired horse girl: **mercedes was right :( it’s kinda mean….i feel bad ;;

**taylor swift: **don’t feel bad!! it was a group decision to kick him out

**stream lover: **^^ plus it’s not like we kicked him out for no reason

**all women are queens: **yeah and we just found out he has a foot fetish like wtf

**taylor swift: **in his defense sylvain i’m willing to bet you have some weird fetishes too

**all women are queens: **you can’t prove that 

**ronald mcdonald: **ah, marianne, i understand your feeling of guilt, but i do think we were in the right to expel him from the chat. after all, no one enjoyed the environment he created within the group.

**all women are queens: **can you talk like a normal person for once in your fucking life

**ronald mcdonald: **i must say i don’t understand what you mean, sylvain.

**all women are queens: **dear goddess

**tired horse girl: **ah sylvain, please don’t use her name in vain like that ;; 

**all women are queens:** sorry marianne

**tired horse girl:** it’s okay…!! 

**tired horse girl:** but umm….i just feel like he’s changed…

**tired horse girl:** i think maybe he deserves a second chance?? but only if everyone else agrees;;

**ronald mcdonald: **i see. well, i must admit that i haven’t noticed any difference, but i trust your opinion. perhaps we should let him rejoin if he proves he’s a better person?

**tired horse girl: **okay!! thank you…

**taylor swift: **but how do we prove that

**all women are queens: **get him to fence with felix and if he wins we’ll let him back in

**taylor swift:** that’s a terrible idea no one can beat felix

**all women are queens: **exactly

**stream lover: **LMDSJDFDJS

**ronald mcdonald: **no, we should make this somewhat fair. any other ideas?

**all women are queens: **that was my only one

**taylor swift: **of course your only idea involved felix

**all women are queens: **?? wdym 

**taylor swift: **lol

**stream lover: **everyone listen to me ik what we should do

**stream lover: **this is a gc for swifties and lorenz knows that

**stream lover: **so if he REALLY wants to join he should prove that he likes our queen 

**stream lover: **we can ask him a taylor swift related question and if he gets it wrong or is mean to her he can’t join

**stream lover: **if he doesn’t appreciate her there’s no point being in this gc tbh

**tired horse girl: **oh!!! i like that idea…

**taylor swift: **much better than what sylvain suggested, thank you ferdinand

**all women are queens: **i do nothing and i still get attacked

**ronald mcdonald: **that’s a fine idea! 

**stream lover: **ive got the perfect question let’s do this 

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**4:28 pm**

**stream lover: **lorenz 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **what do you want. 

**all women are queens: **oh you wanna hear this trust me

**stream lover: **we in the swiftie horse girl club have decided we want to let you into our group chat again 

**stream lover: **but on one condition

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **and that would be?

**stream lover: **since it’s a club for swifties you have to prove to us that you bear no ill feelings towards our queen 

**stream lover: **and for you to prove that we have prepared one simple question for you

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **alright… 

**stream lover: **a true swiftie knows track 5 on every album is always a special song

**stream lover: **so our question dear lorenz is: what is your favorite track 5?

**watch naruto: **ooooh this is exciting!!

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **uh… shake it off?

**stream lover: **WRONG

**taylor swift: **not even a track five buddy

**all women are queens: **also the correct answer is all too well 

**ronald mcdonald: **ah, well that settles it then. lorenz will not be allowed to rejoin the chat.

**tired horse girl: **sorry lorenz ;;

**if she breathes shes a thot: **whatever. taylor swift is kinda cringe anyway

**stream lover: **kek thats exactly what she wants you to think…she’s playing 4 dimensional chess…..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did we write an entire chapter just to promote taylor swift? maybe! thanks for reading! comments and kudos are appreciated ♡


	3. caspar's plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **love is stored in the dedue:** It would not be proper for a prince to be seen being affectionate with someone he is not yet betrothed to. 
> 
> **all women are queens:** ok first of all who talks like that
> 
> **all women are queens:** secondly what do u mean not yet????? 
> 
> **watch naruto:** omg!!!! are you guys getting engaged?
> 
> **five foot something and i’m royalty:** SLOW DOWN!!!! i just found out that you’re dating two seconds ago
> 
> **five foot something and i’m royalty:** it’s way too soon to announce your marriage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait since the last chapter!! we've both been busy with school but finally we bring u a new chapter!!

** _garreg mach homiesexuals _ **

**9:29 pm**

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** uhhhhhh

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** guys why did i just see dimitri and dedue KISSING?????

**gay rights in the soup: ** maybe because they’re dating? 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** HUH??

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** since when???

**ronald mcdonald: ** we have been for the past year or so.

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** huh

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** holy shit

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** wait for real

**ronald mcdonald: ** yes. did no one know about this?

**lawful good: ** Well all of us in the Blue Lions already knew!

**watch naruto: ** yeah!! you guys are adorable 💖

**tired horse girl: ** i.. i knew!! 

**stream lover: ** me too

**girl hot: ** wow

**girl hot: ** i’m betrayed you didn’t tell me ferdie but i kinda figured it out on my own already

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** how the hell were the rest of us supposed to know

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** yeah it’s not like you guys have ever been affectionate with each other in public like… ever

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** except for when caspar saw u just now it seems

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** you’re like two bros standing five feet apart because they’re not gay

**love is stored in the dedue: ** It would not be proper for a prince to be seen being affectionate with someone he is not yet betrothed to. 

**all women are queens: ** ok first of all who talks like that

**all women are queens: ** secondly what do u mean not yet????? 

**watch naruto: ** omg!!!! are you guys getting engaged?

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** SLOW DOWN!!!! i just found out that you’re dating two seconds ago

**five foot something and i’m royalty:** it’s way too soon to announce your marriage

**ronald mcdonald: ** ah.. please calm down everyone, we are too young to be thinking of such things yet.

**all women are queens: ** so you don’t wanna marry dedue is that what you’re saying

**ronald mcdonald: ** no, that is not what i’m saying at all! 

**all women are queens: ** so do you want to marry him

**ronald mcdonald: ** ah...

**taylor swift: ** sylvain do you ever know when to shut up

**all women are queens: ** nope ;)

**love is stored in the dedue: ** Sylvain, please stop pestering His Highness. Our personal relationship is none of your business.

**all women are queens: ** okay fine… but ONLY if you promise i’ll be your best man at the wedding

**ronald mcdonald: ** again, we currently have no plans to get married.

**all women are queens: ** but hypothetically i’d be best man right

**ronald mcdonald: ** yes, i suppose you would be.

**all women are queens: ** HELL yeah

**taylor swift: ** why would you trust sylvain to be your best man

**Read 5:55 pm: ** ha, took the words right out of my mouth.

**all women are queens: ** jealous that i’m dimitri’s favorite childhood friend???

**Read 5:55 pm: **no. i don’t care.

**all women are queens: ** don’t worry felix 

**all women are queens: ** you’ll have an important role at my wedding

**all women are queens:** if you catch my drift ;)

**taylor swift: ** dear goddess

**Read 5:55 pm: ** .

**stream lover: ** LMSDJJSDF

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** holy shit 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** are felix and sylvain dating too 

**five foot something and i’m royalty:** this is too much!!!!!!

**Read 5:55 pm: ** we are not dating.

**all women are queens:** yet ;)

**Read 5:55 pm: ** fuck you, sylvain.

**all women are queens: ** fuck me yourself bro

**taylor swift: ** sylvain i am begging you to shut up

  
  


** _dorothea and her himbos_ **

**9:53 pm**

**all women are queens: ** well it’s over

**all women are queens: ** i’m never trying to flirt with him again

**girl hot: ** first of all we all know you don’t mean that

**girl hot: ** second of all that was a horrible attempt at flirting!!! 

**stream lover: ** right it was embarrassing to watch

**girl hot: ** that’s rich coming from you

**stream lover: ** did i ask?????

**girl hot: ** both of you are hopeless 

**all women are queens: **well that’s why we have you thea 

**girl hot: ** clearly you need me

**all women are queens: ** yeah :( tell me what to do to win felix’s heart :(

**girl hot: ** you need to stop flirting with him every time you get the chance

**girl hot: ** he’ll never take you seriously if you’re just constantly flirting every time you talk to him

**girl hot: ** and also stop flirting with other people

**girl hot: ** and you, my dear ferdie, might want to  _ start _ flirting

**stream lover: ** wtf i didn’t even ask for your advice rn

**girl hot: ** no but you clearly need it

**stream lover: ** i think we all know hubert would not hesitate to murder me if i tried flirting with him

**stream lover: ** so i think i’ll keep hopelessly crushing on him from afar thanks 

**girl hot: ** and let ME suffer through your constant complaints about how you’ll never be with him???

**stream lover: ** yeah

**girl hot: ** one day i will put an end to this, mark my words

  
  


** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**11:49 pm**

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** wait

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** you all know i’m dating linhardt right

**i’m baby: ** caspar

**all women are queens: ** yeah buddy

**be crime do gay: ** I am having knowledge of that! You have mentioned it many times, Caspar

**edgelord: ** caspar, are you still thinking about half of us not knowing dimitri and dedue were dating? it’s been 2 hours. 

**edgelord: ** and i’m sure we all know about your relationship with linhardt, like petra said you do mention it quite often.

**i’m baby: ** yeah he hasn’t shut up about it since he found out

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** because it surprised me!! and then it got me thinking what if there’s someone who doesn’t know about me and linhardt??

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** that would be terrible

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** i need everyone to know about the loml

**i’m baby: ** caspar you’re sweet but i wish you’d stop talking about this and let me sleep

**i’m baby: ** it’s late

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** you’ve been sleeping ever since you got home from class

**i’m baby: ** and?

**gay rights in the soup: ** caspar you should stop worrying!! edelgard is right, everyone probably knows

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** oh wow! caspar and linhardt? i had no idea!!! it’s like i’ve been living under a rock the past few years!!!

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** SEE

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** I WAS RIGHT TO WORRY

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** i have to fix this and make sure everyone knows

  
  


**five foot something and i’m royalty ** is offline

  
  


**i’m baby: ** ugh great now he marched off saying he has to come up with a plan

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** oh goddess i was just kidding but okay

**i’m baby: ** i’m too tired to deal with this

**i’m baby: ** if he ends up doing something stupid message claude bc it’s his fault

**i’m baby: ** goodnight 

  
  


**i’m baby ** is offline

  
  


**gay rights in the soup: ** oh no

**gay rights in the soup: ** i don’t know what he’s planning but i’m going over there 

**edgelord: ** ashe, it is very late. i’m sure whatever he’s planning, it can wait until tomorrow. 

**gay rights in the soup: ** this is caspar we’re talking about here so i wouldn’t count on it

**edgelord: ** fair enough. you do have a point. 

  
  
  


**12:17 am**

**gay rights in the soup: ** well he’s not here

**gay rights in the soup: ** and now linhardt is mad at me for waking him up

**lawful good: ** Oh my… I do hope he hasn’t gotten himself into trouble. It is quite late…

**girl hot: ** this is caspar we’re talking about he definitely got into trouble

**stream lover: ** he’s out there wrecking havoc as we speak

**girl hot: ** there’s a good chance he might be on the news tomorrow for whatever he’s doing

**lawful good: ** Well… This is very worrying!!

**lawful good: ** I do hope he isn’t in any danger…

**watch naruto: ** awww mercie!! i’m sure he’s fine!! 💕

  
  


**i’m baby ** is online

  
  


**i’m baby: ** i’m sure he’s not dead so can i please go back to sleep now ashe

**gay rights in the soup: ** what? no you can’t, we have to find him first!!

**gay rights in the soup: ** i just hope we don’t have to bail him out of jail again :(

**all women are queens: ** AGAIN????????

**all women are queens: ** why the hell was he in jail

**gay rights in the soup: ** that’s not important rn we should be focusing on finding him

**i’m baby: ** he’ll be back

**stream lover: ** shouldn’t you be more worried about your boyfriend, linhardt?

**i’m baby: ** he does stupid things all the time i’m used to it

**i’m baby: ** can’t you bother claude instead? this is his fault after all

**girl hot: @let’s do it baby i know the law ** come repent for your sins buddy 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** you called? what did i do

**girl hot: ** scroll up 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** oh

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hey it’s not my fault caspar is impulsive and couldn’t tell i was being sarcastic

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** i didn’t ASK him to do whatever he’s doing right now 

**girl hot: ** but you encouraged it

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** i can neither confirm nor deny that statement

**i’m baby: ** oh lovely claude is here

**i’m baby: ** since he’s responsible here i’m leaving him in charge of potentially fixing whatever caspar ends up doing

**i’m baby: ** and i’ll be going back to sleep

**i’m baby: ** goodnight

  
  


**i’m baby ** is offline

  
  


**stream lover: ** is he really going to sleep while his boyfriend is missing

**gay rights in the soup: ** yep

**gay rights in the soup: ** he passed out in caspar’s bed the second he put his phone away

**gay rights in the soup: ** i don’t know how he does it

**gay rights in the soup: ** i’m going to go out looking for caspar now let’s hope i find him

**lawful good: ** Stay safe and be careful!!

**lawful good:** I’m going to bed but please call me if you need any help 💖

**watch naruto: ** same ^^ i’m your girl!!

**gay rights in the soup: ** okay!! i’ll keep it in mind! thanks guys

  
  


**lawful good ** is offline

**watch naruto ** is offline

  
  


**dilf fucker: ** claude is also available if you want help

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** wtf i never said that

**dilf fucker: ** it’s YOUR fault so you have to help

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** but i’m in bed :(

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** that’s a LIE we’re playing mario kart together right now

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** i’m winning btw 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** betrayal...next time you want to skip class i’m not going with you

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** i don’t need you to come with me 

**taylor swift: ** well...if you didn’t tease caspar this wouldn’t have happened

**taylor swift: ** it’s only right that you offer your help 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** great now i’m getting lectured by ingrid 

**all women are queens:** join the club bro

**all women are queens: ** i gotta deal with this all the time

**taylor swift: ** oh shut up sylvain

**all women are queens: ** SEE??

**dilf fucker: ** back to claude 

**dilf fucker: ** so what are you going to do

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** ….fine

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** ashe

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** tell me if you need any help or a lift back to your apartment or whatever

**gay rights in the soup: ** haha okay claude i will!! thanks

**gay rights in the soup: ** i’m going now i’ll be back soon hopefully

**taylor swift: ** good luck ashe!!   
  


**gay rights in the soup** is offline

  
  


**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** alright! back to mario kart 

**all women are queens: ** hey u know what we should do someday

**all women are queens: ** we should all have a mario kart tournament

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** ooooo i like that idea!! we can have it in our apartment since we have lots of space

**taylor swift: ** i don’t know if this is what we should be focusing on considering the current situation but i’m in 

**stream lover: ** so am i!!! 

**midget: ** i’m the BEST at mario kart i can’t wait to win against you all

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hey lysithea shouldn’t you be asleep it’s past your bedtime

**midget: ** shouldn’t YOU be??? old man

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** LMSDFHJSHDF

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** is the baby cranky because she needs a nap? :(

**midget: ** i don’t need a nap!!!!

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** yes you do

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** lysithea do u want to play mario kart with us for a while

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** we can team up against claude!! he’s sooo bad at mario kart it’s really funny

**midget:** ….okay

**midget:** i’ll be there in a sec

  
  


**midget ** is offline

  
  


**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** betrayed by my very own daughter….

  
  


**2:07am **

**gay rights in the soup: ** hey guys 

**gay rights in the soup: ** i couldn’t find caspar :( i hope he’s fine

**gay rights in the soup: ** but anyways i’m heading back to linhardt and caspar’s place and i’m staying there tonight

**gay rights in the soup: ** caspar if you see this can you call us whenever you’re finished doing whatever you’re doing

**gay rights in the soup: ** uhhh that’s all i need to say i think? 

**gay rights in the soup: ** goodnight! idk if anyone is even reading this right now 

  
  


**gay rights in the soup ** is offline

  
  


**3:27 am**

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** hey guys anyone wanna see my SICK NEW TATTOO

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** [linhardttattoo.jpg]

**sewing machine: ** uhm,, is that… linhardt’s name in a heart?? did... you really get a tattoo? ;;

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** heck yeah!! now everyone will know we’re dating

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** and i got one for hanneman too

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** [hannemantattoo.jpg]

**sewing machine: ** uhm… professor hanneman? 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** huh??? no it’s for our cat 

**sewing machine: ** oh…! that makes sense..

**sewing machine: ** uhm… caspar? are you back home yet? everyone was really worried about you ;;

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** yeah!! i’m just about to walk through the door

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** i’m walking through the door

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** i’m in the kitchen 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** where is everyone btw the chat is pretty dead 

**sewing machine: ** ;;; uhm….you do know it’s 3:30 am right,,,

**sewing machine: ** i think...everyone might be asleep maybe ??? ;; everyone except for us..

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** WOW i didn’t even notice the time 

**sewing machine:** uhm...caspar...did you read the other messages in the chat since you left to get your tattoo;;;

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** LOL no i never backread 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** i can’t WAIT for linhardt and hanneman to see my tattoos when they wake up

**sewing machine: ** uhmmm...are you going to sleep now???

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** hell yeah i need to REST 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** UM….THERE’S TWO PEOPLE IN MY BED??

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** im about to fight this intruder hold on

**sewing machine: ** ah uhmmm i don’t think that’s an intruder!!

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** oh wait lol it’s ASHE

**sewing machine: ** ;;;;;

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** AWWW they’re cuddling!!! my faves 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** night bernie see ya!!! good talking to you i’m gonna go CUDDLE my bfs

**sewing machine: ** uhm...your what???

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** my bfs! that means boyfriend and best friend 

**sewing machine:** hhh okay...goodnight caspar;;;

  
  


**five foot something and i’m royalty ** is offline 

  
  


**sewing machine: ** i...guess i’ll go too…

  
  


**sewing machine ** is offline

  
  
  


**7:43 am**

**vegan anti: ** Good morning everyone :)

**vegan anti: ** What did I miss last night? 

**stream lover: ** oh you missed a lot

**stream lover: ** caspar went crazy and ran off somewhere and then i don’t know what happened but he has a tattoo now apparently?

**stream lover: ** looks like he’s back home and he’s safe though 

**vegan anti: ** Well! Alright 

**vegan anti: ** Im going to train! :)

  
  


**vegan anti ** is offline

  
  


**uwu ^-^: ** and he’s gone

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** classic raphael. his dedication to his training is almost admirable

**all women are queens: ** what’s up everyone what happened with caspar 

**stream lover: ** go backread king 

**all women are queens: ** okay brb

**all women are queens: ** A TATTOO?? kinda iconic…

**all women are queens: ** yo i’m glad the little guy is okay though 

**stream lover: ** don’t let him hear u call him that 

  
  


**i’m baby ** is online

  
  


**uwu ^-^: ** linhardt!! how’s caspar doing? 

**i’m baby: ** oh

**i’m baby: ** my

**i’m baby: ** godess

**i’m baby: ** this fool went out and got my name tattooed on his arm

**i’m baby: ** he’s so stupid i love him so much

**uwu ^-^: ** aw! that’s… cute?

  
  


**gay rights in the soup ** is online

  
  


**gay rights in the soup: ** oh goddess

**gay rights in the soup: ** i just woke up to them making out next to me

**gay rights in the soup: ** i’m gonna leave

**all women are queens: ** FKDSJLFKSM

**all women are queens: ** it was time for ashe to leave… he had seen everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u guys enjoyed!! comments & kudos are greatly appreciated ♡


	4. cethleann's café

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stream lover: guys i think i’m dying
> 
> stream lover: i’m in bed with multiple blankets and i’m still shaking
> 
> Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: That’s your skeleton getting ready to hatch.
> 
> stream lover: that is so fucking ominous thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys!! this chapter is very all over the place, it's mostly just to set up future plot points but it ended up being a Very long filler chapter. hope you enjoy!!

** _dorothea and her himbos_ **

**11:39 am**

**all women are queens: **guys do u think felix will make out with me if i get a tattoo of his name

**stream lover: **hmm… maybe

**girl hot: **shut the hell up and pay attention in class, sylvain

**girl hot: **and no he wouldn’t

**all women are queens: **:(

**girl hot: **speaking of class

**girl hot: **ferdie why aren’t you at school today?

**stream lover: **i’m sick

**stream lover: **it’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me

**stream lover: **i’m dying

**girl hot: **sounds overly dramatic

**girl hot: **but please get well soon!! i miss my little ferdie

**stream lover: **such unexpected kindness from my dear dorothea

**stream lover: **i will try

**girl hot: **good!! <33 i’ll stop by later if i have time

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**12:27 pm**

**let’s do it baby i know the law: @world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm **where you at

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **prof byleth wants to know

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **did class start already??

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i’m literally 2 seconds away 

**midget: **lol it started like 15 mins ago

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **pay attention in class my child

**midget: **die

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **i love u too lys

**midget: **keep my name out of ur mouth 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i’m here!

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **oh hey why didn’t you say linhardt was with you

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **ive been looking for him but couldn’t find him so i thought he decided to skip the rest of the day

**i’m baby: **i was going to but i ran into hilda and she dragged me to this new coffee shop on campus

**i’m baby: **something about claude not wanting to skip with her bc she betrayed him

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **hey that makes it sound like i forced u

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **you went willingly 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **anyway the new coffee shop is pretty cool!! they also have tea and lots of cakes

**stream lover: **TEA???

**stream lover: **omg i wish i could go check it out but i’m home sick today

**stream lover: **can someone tell the professor btw

**girl hot: **already done!! <33

**stream lover: **thank you thea!

**stream lover: **guys i think i’m dying

**stream lover: **i’m in bed with multiple blankets and i’m still shaking

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **That’s your skeleton getting ready to hatch.

**stream lover: **that is so fucking ominous thank you

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **dude what the hell does that mean

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **You’ll find out.

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **???

**edgelord: **i believe hubert is messing with you, caspar.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **is that the imperial princess? on her phone in class? scandalous

**edgelord: **mind your own business, claude.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **wow fine

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **what’s the name of the new place btw

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **cethleann’s cafe!! it’s soooo cute i love it 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **oh nice i might go with lorenz after this 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **why….

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **uhh we have another class together after this one and it’s easier to deal with him when he’s had tea 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **hmmm if you say so

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **what’s that supposed to mean 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **nothing!! just thinking 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **alright then…keep your secrets 

**midget: **i’m coming too claude

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **my daughter finally wants to hang out with me of her own free will… i might cry

**midget: **no i don’t

**midget: **i just want to try their cakes

**midget: **and you’re buying

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **you wound me.. but i will buy u those cakes

**midget: **:)

**taylor swift **is online 

**all women are queens: **oh goddess here comes the fun police 

**taylor swift: **can you get off your phones? it’s distracting to hear you all laughing

**taylor swift: **there’s no way this conversation is important enough to take place during class

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **ummmmm i think it is

**stream lover: **are u implying tea isn’t important?

**taylor swift: **yes

**all women are queens: **ingrid said NO FUN ALLOWED

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **teach isn’t even talking right now she’s on her phone 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **hey….why is she on her phone 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **oh no

**Man I Love Fishing **is online 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Having fun now, are we?

**all women are queens: **yes

**taylor swift: **sylvain.

**all women are queens: **right sorry we stopped having fun when ingrid got here

**taylor swift: **watch it 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **sorry professor!! i was just mentioning how i visited this new coffee shop and some others wanted to go as well so it turned into a conversation

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **is that… hilda taking responsibility for her actions? am i dreaming?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **shut up claude

**Man I Love Fishing: **It’s alright, Hilda. Though I would prefer it if you waited until after class to plan this meetup. 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Although… I heard this new coffee shop has tea as well? 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **yes!! i didn’t try it but linhardt did

**i’m baby: **it was good

**stream lover: **i want to try it :(

**Man I Love Fishing: **In that case, I’d like to come with those of you looking to go after class. I have been meaning to stop by ever since Seteth put up posters for it in the teacher’s lounge… 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **seteth?? why would he advertise for some random coffee shop

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **oh!! i forgot to mention, it’s run by seteth’s little sister flayn

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **oh well that explains it

**all women are queens: **hey can i say something controversial……? 

**all women are queens: **seteth is kinda a dilf

**taylor swift: **this is why he hates you.

**Man I Love Fishing: **I was going to suggest ending class a few minutes early so we can all check out the coffee shop, but I must say Sylvain is making me doubt that decision.

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **look what you did sylvain

**all women are queens: **omg no please i’m sorry i’ll shut up 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Good. 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Now, if you all put your phones away and pay attention the rest of class I’ll end it 10 minutes early. Sound good?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **you got it teach!

  


** _Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way → edgelord_ **

**12:43 pm**

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **Edelgard, what was the name of the café being discussed?

**edgelord: **i believe it is cethleann’s cafe. 

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **Thank you.

**edgelord: **did you just slip out of class without anyone else noticing? i’m impressed.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **Yes. I wish to get there before anyone else does.

**edgelord: **i didn’t know you were that interested in cafes, hubert.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **I’m not.

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**1:10 pm**

**Man I Love Fishing: **I’ll be going to Cethleann’s Café, then. You’re all free to join me, but if not, enjoy your extra 10 minutes of freedom. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **i’ll be there teach!

**let’s do it baby i know the law: @if she breathes she’s a thot **come with me

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **fine. i suppose i am somewhat interested in trying their teas. 

**uwu ^-^: **i’ll go! i hope they have cool latte art!

**midget: **nerd

**midget: **i’ll come. btw claude you’re buying me cakes, remember?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **how could i ever forget

**vegan anti: **If theres gonna be food I’ll be there!Lol:)

**dilf fucker: **i suppose i’ll tag along as well

**sewing machine: **uhm i’d like to go too.. if that’s okay!! ;;

**girl hot: **of course bernie!! i’ll come too <3

**be crime do gay: **Edelgard and I will not be attending. We will be having a study date in the library!

**girl hot: **have fun babes!! i’ll see u at home tonight 💕

**be crime do gay: **Yes, we will be seeing each other then! ❤️

**tired horse girl: **i think i might go!! if it’s ok!! ;_;

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **of course it is!! i’ll come too 💖💖

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **weren’t you literally just there hilda

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **and? i wanna go again is that a crime

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **i guess not 👀

**taylor swift: **i’ll come too. someone needs to keep sylvain in check

**all women are queens: **actually i’m not going

**taylor swift: **oh? why not

**all women are queens: **felix said he was going to study in the library so i’m going with him

**taylor swift: **of course

**all women are queens: **shut up i need to study too

**taylor swift: **i don’t doubt it

**i’m baby: **caspar and i are going home so don’t count us in

**dilf fucker: **uh linhardt? we have another class after this

**i’m baby **is offline

**dilf fucker: **oh well. not my problem

**lawful good: **annie and i would like to come!! 💖

**ronald mcdonald: **count me and dedue in as well. 

**gay rights in the soup: **and me!! 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Well, I believe everyone’s been accounted for then. Let’s go.

**girl hot: **i don’t think hubie has said anything?? where is he anyway

**Man I Love Fishing: **I saw Hubert sneaking out of class earlier, but decided not to mention it. It is his loss, after all. I believe it’s safe to say he will not be joining us. 

**edgelord: **hm. good eye, professor. 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Thank you, Edelgard. Let’s get going, then.

** _girl hot → stream lover_ **

**3:21 pm**

**girl hot: **ferdie!! <3 are you home?

**girl hot: **i have soup for you!!

**stream lover: **thea you’re gonna make me cry

**stream lover: **yes i am at home and will be eagerly anticipating your arrival

**girl hot: **<3 good!

**3:39 pm**

**girl hot: **i’m right outside your apartment building ferdie

**girl hot: **sorry it took so long!! i ran into hubie on my way here and we talked for a bit

**girl hot: **any idea what he was doing in this part of town?? i know for a fact he doesn’t live anywhere near here

**stream lover: **hubert? oh no idea

**stream lover: **the door is open btw

**girl hot: **on my way!!

** _❤️💜🖤 girlfriends 🖤💜❤️_ **

**4:28 pm**

**girl hot: **girls

**edgelord: **yes, dear?

**girl hot: **you will not believe what i just found out

**be crime do gay: **Oh! What have you been finding out?

**girl hot: **i mean i’m not 100% sure but

**girl hot: **ferdie is sick right

**girl hot: **so because i am an amazing friend i went by his place with some soup

**edgelord: **yes, you are amazing. ❤️

**girl hot: **shh i’m telling a story here

**edgelord: **sorry.

**girl hot: **it’s ok!! ily <3

**girl hot: **anyway

**girl hot: **so i’m nearly at his apartment building right and guess who i run into?

**be crime do gay: **Who? 😮

**girl hot: **hubie!! 

**girl hot: **which i thought was rly weird bc i noticed he was missing from our last class and i know he doesn’t live in that part of town 

**girl hot: **so it was kind of the last place i’d expected to run into him

**girl hot: **he didn’t tell me what he was doing there which i guess is to be expected from him

**edgelord: **indeed, he is a very private person.

**girl hot: **and i asked ferdie about it and he said he didn’t know anything about hubert being there but

**girl hot: **when i asked him again in person he got really weird?? 

**girl hot: **he blushed a bit and changed the topic immediately 

**be crime do gay: **That is seeming a bit strange… 

**be crime do gay: **Are you thinking Ferdie is having knowledge of what Hubert was doing there? 

**girl hot: **oh absolutely

**edgelord: **i might have an idea of what’s going on. 

**girl hot: **oh? do tell edie

**edgelord: **after the discussion in class about flayn’s cafe, hubert texted me to ask the name of it. he then snuck out of class early and told me he was hoping to get there before everyone else. 

**edgelord: **i believe ferdinand expressed earlier that he wished to try the tea there, but was upset that he couldn’t go due to his illness.

**girl hot: **oh my god

**girl hot: **that must be it

**girl hot: **thank u edie i love u so much

**edgelord: **i love you too 💖

**girl hot: **girls...i have a plan 

**girl hot: **and if it works i think we might get hubert out of our apartment for good

**be crime do gay: **Oh...then I am liking this plan! 

**girl hot: **<3 i’ll tell you more when i sort out the details!! 

** _girl hot → world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm_ **

**4:57pm**

**girl hot: **hilda!! i need your help <3

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **uhhhhmm with what...i don’t have to do anything right

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i just got home and i reallyyyy don’t want to move

**girl hot:** well

**girl hot: **remember the mario kart tournament we were talking about in the gc the other night? 

**girl hot: **the one we were going to have in your apartment?

**girl hot: **are we actually going to do that

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **well

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm:** i’d like to buuuut i don’t know if everyone’s on board with it

**girl hot: **don’t worry about that!! i’ll make sure everyone shows up if you promise to host it

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm:** mmmm sure!!

**girl hot: **thanks hilda!!!! you’re the best <3

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **no problem 💖 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **why do u want to do this so desperately all of a sudden btw

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i didn’t know u loved mario kart this much

**girl hot: **umm can’t a girl want to spend time with her friends? or is that a crime 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm:** c’mon!! it’s my apartment so u have to tell me why

**girl hot: **fine

**girl hot: **well i think hubie has a thing for ferdie and i need somewhere to observe without him realizing that’s why we’re all there

**girl hot: **i know mario kart doesn’t seem like hubie’s scene exactly but he’ll go if edie tells him to

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **ohhh ok i see!

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i’ve been like kind of wondering the same thing about claude and lorenz

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **sooo i guess it works out well for both of us!! and u can do the matchmaking for me

**girl hot: **goddess hilda as much as i appreciate that you have faith in my matchmaking skills i have far too much on my plate already

**girl hot: **i mean there’s hubie and ferdie obviously and then there’s also sylvain and felix

**girl hot: **both are proving to be very difficult which is unfortunate for ME because i have to witness ferdie and sylvain pining 

**girl hot: **wait oops i’m not supposed to tell anyone about their sad love lives 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i mean. sylvain at least is very obvious 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i’m sure everyone knows about his crush on felix

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **except maybe felix himself

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **and i can’t say ferdie surprises me 

**girl hot: **right...they’re so ridiculous

**girl hot: **anyways can you promise not to tell anyone about what i just said? <3

**girl hot: **since it’s meant to be a secret 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i think we BOTH know i can’t promise that

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **claude made me swear i’d tell him every piece of information i know

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm:** it’s part of our bro code

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **and when lorenz comes over the three of us just gossip together 

**girl hot: **LMSDFJSDF well okay

**girl hot: **just don’t talk to too many people about it!!

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i’ll try <3

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**6:15pm**

**girl hot: **hi everyone!! <3

**girl hot: **i have something important to say so please listen!!

**Read 5:55pm: **hmph. out with it.

**all women are queens: **hey no need to be so rude 

**all women are queens: **let the lovely lady speak

**Read 5:55pm: **sylvain. you’re insufferable.

**all women are queens: **damn we’re at pet names already?

**all women are queens: **we’re moving fast…. 😳😳😳

**girl hot: **can you PLEASE do this another time this is important

**be crime do gay: **I am listening!! 

**girl hot: **thank you <3

**girl hot: **SO!! the other night when caspar pulled his little stunt 

**girl hot: **we were talking about having a mario kart tournament

**girl hot: **and i think it would be rlly fun if we actually did it!! 

**girl hot: **hilda said we can have it in their apartment

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **she did?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **i did!! if anyone wants the address just hmu

**be crime do gay: **That is sounding like fun! I am not having talent at video games but I will come!

**all women are queens: **you already KNOW i’m ready for this tournament

**Read 5:55pm: **hm. this isn’t an awful idea. i’m in.

**Read 5:55pm: **i’m the best at mario kart so don’t expect to win.

**all women are queens: **that’s true!!! i lose against him all time when we play

**Read 5:55pm: **while you were busy flirting with girls i practiced mario kart.

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm:** HELPPPP 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **KFJDNSDJF

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **rejected bro better luck next time

**taylor swift: **sylvain, this is just getting pitiful

**taylor swift: ** also **@girl hot **the tournament sounds fun! sign me up

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **YOOOOO i love mario kart!!!!! i’m down

**i’m baby: **i’m on board if caspar is

**i’m baby: **don’t expect me to actually play much though

**i’m baby: **co-op games aren’t really my style

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **wtf you play mario kart with me

**i’m baby: **i don’t mind co-op when it’s with you babe

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **omg i love u lin

**girl hot: **alright i’m all for gay people but can u guys text privately or tell this to each other irl i’m trying to plan an event here 

**girl hot: **anyone else interested? we can plan what day later once we get the numbers btw

**uwu ^-^: **i am!

**uwu ^-^: **i’m with raph right now and he said he is too 

**dilf fucker: **jeralt won a mario kart competition years ago when the game first came out

**dilf fucker: **so i have to win this for him!!

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **u have to admire leonie’s ability to bring jeralt up in every conversation

**dilf fucker: **it’s not my fault he’s so great

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **yeah yeah whatever

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **hey lorenz i know you’re reading this

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **u better be coming to this tournament

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **why? i don’t like mario kart.

**all women are queens: **wtf who doesn’t like mario kart

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **me, obviously.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **it’ll be fun!! come on

**if she breathes she’s a thot: **hm...i suppose i could spare a few hours.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **that was easier than i thought it would be

**girl hot: **omg everyone’s on board so far this is exciting

**watch naruto: **oooo mario kart!! i used to love it when i was younger

**watch naruto: **i’m definitely coming!!

**watch naruto: **i just asked ashe and mercie and they are too ^^

**watch naruto: **mercie even said she’ll bake something for everyone!! 

**girl hot: **that sounds lovely!! <3 tell her i said thanks

**watch naruto: **i will!

**ronald mcdonald: **hmm...i’ve never heard of this game, but i would never pass up an opportunity to spend time with my friends! 

**ronald mcdonald: **i’ll be attending, and so will dedue.

**dilf fucker: ** you’ve never heard of mario kart?

**ronald mcdonald: **no, but it sounds intriguing! what’s a ‘mario’?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **you’re kidding right

**ronald mcdonald: **i can assure you that i am not!

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **the future king of faerghus doesn’t know who mario is…

**girl hot: **omg okay we can talk about this later

**girl hot: **almost everyone in the gc agreed!! does anyone else want to join <3

**stream lover: **i’m still pretty sick :( but if i’m feeling better i’ll come

**girl hot: **uh, no, you’re coming even if you’re still sick

**stream lover: **i literally can’t move from my bed?

**girl hot: **too bad <3 

**stream lover: **i guess anything for you dorothea… 

**girl hot: **that’s more like it

**girl hot: **that’s nearly everyone!! anyone else who wants to come??

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **No. I have far better things to spend my time on. 

**girl hot: **hubie!! :( please it would be so much fun if you came

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **Mario Kart isn’t exactly my scene, Dorothea.

** _❤️💜🖤 girlfriends 🖤💜❤️_ **

**6:23 pm**

**girl hot: **edie!! please make him come

**edgelord: **make who come to what?

**girl hot: **make hubert come to the mario kart tournament

**girl hot: **check the gc!!

**edgelord: **ah, okay. i assume this is all part of your plan?

**girl hot: **yes!! i’ll tell u guys more in a second

**edgelord: **i’ll try to encourage him.

**girl hot: **thank u my love <3

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**6:25 pm**

**edgelord: **well, i am going and i would love for you to come as well, hubert.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **Hm. I suppose if that is the case, then I will come.

**girl hot: **yay!! it’ll be fun hubie <3

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: **I have my doubts.

** _❤️💜🖤 girlfriends 🖤💜❤️_ **

**6:30 pm**

**girl hot: **that was great edie thank u <3

**edgelord: **no problem. ❤️

**be crime do gay: **Are you going to be telling us your plan now, Dorothea?

**girl hot: **yes!!

**girl hot: **it’s not that complicated i just thought if i could get everyone together it would be the perfect opportunity to observe how hubie looks at ferdie without him suspecting anything

**be crime do gay: **Oh! That is a good plan. I am hoping it will have much success. 

**be crime do gay: **What are you going to be doing if you see Hubert looking at Ferdie?

**girl hot: **well i don’t know 

**girl hot: **i think i’m going to try to set them up maybe

**girl hot: **i know ferdie likes hubert and if the feeling’s mutual then they should date 

**girl hot: **they both deserve to be happy

**girl hot: **plus hubert might start spending less time in our apartment since he’ll be with ferdie 

**girl hot: **so it’s a win-win situation!!

**be crime do gay: **I am liking this idea. Dorothea is always having the best ideas! ❤️

**girl hot: **ty babe <3

**edgelord: **it’s a fine idea. just try not to pry too much, you know hubert doesn’t like revealing his secrets. he hasn’t even told me whether he actually feels something for ferdinand or not.

**girl hot: **of course edie!! i’ll just silently observe him for now

**girl hot: **everyone in the gc is on board for the tournament except for bernie 

**girl hot: **i’m going to dm her privately asking her if she wants to come 

**girl hot: **i don’t want her to feel pressured to answer in front of everyone in the main gc!!

**edgelord: **you are always very thoughtful. 💖

**be crime do gay: **I have agreement! 

**girl hot: **you’re making me blush! i love u both so much

** _girl hot → sewing machine_ **

**6:39 pm**

**girl hot: **bernie!! i don’t know if you’ve seen the gc but i’m planning a mario kart tournament at hilda’s place and i’d love for you to come!!

**sewing machine: **ahh uhm no i haven’t seen… i kind of have the chat muted ;;

**sewing machine: **sorry it’s just… really overwhelming at times

**girl hot: **no it’s okay i understand!! i kind of assumed u did that’s why i’m messaging you <3 do you wanna come?

**sewing machine: **ah uhm… it sounds fun but i don’t know ;;

**girl hot: **don’t feel pressured to come if u don’t want to!! 

**girl hot: **but we’d really love to have u there <3 and u can leave whenever u want if u feel uncomfortable!

**sewing machine: **i’m sorry i’m not really sure yet ;; it’s uhm...a lot of people;

**girl hot: **that’s okay!! u don’t have to give me an answer right now

**girl hot: **just text me whenever u decide! <3

**sewing machine: **okay ;;;

**sewing machine: **and uhmm...thanks for inviting me…;;

**girl hot: **no need to thank me! we’re friends ❤️

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**6:52 pm**

**all women are queens: **i’m honestly really excited for this tournament!! it’s gonna be cool to hang out with everyone 

**taylor swift: **sylvain? being sincere? this is a surprise

**all women are queens: **hey i’ve been sincere plenty of times

**Read 5:55pm: **doubtful.

**dilf fucker: **i hope you all know i won’t be there to have fun i’ll be there to WIN

**Read 5:55pm: **likewise. 

**dilf fucker: **it’s on felix

**midget: **neither of you stand a chance against me 

**midget: **i’ve never lost a game of mario kart in my life. ever

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **you’re like twelve years old that’s not a flex

**midget: **. watch it.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **oh noooo i’m so scared of a baby 

**midget: **you should be. 

**Man I Love Fishing **is online

**Man I Love Fishing: **I’m sure Mario Kart is important, but I do hope none of you have forgotten about the assignment I gave you a week ago. It’s due at midnight and so far, only Leonie has handed it in. 

**lawful good: **Oh! I was just about to hand it in, professor! 

**tired horse girl: **me too...i’m just finishing it 

**love is stored in the dedue: **Just sent it to you now.

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **hmm? what assignment??

**ronald mcdonald: **the one on fishing bait, i assume?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **on WHAT???

**Man I Love Fishing: **Fishing bait. Do you have a problem with that?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **no!! i just didn’t know that was the topic 

**Man I Love Fishing: **Maybe if you came to class you would know.

**dilf fucker: **oof do you need help with that burn hilda

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: **shut the hell up leonie

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **oh shit we have an assignment?

**Man I Love Fishing: **Yes. 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: **alright ms byleth i’m bout to head out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come follow us on twitter! [@merciemartritz](https://twitter.com/merciemartritz) & [@sylvainings](https://twitter.com/sylvainings)  
comments & kudos are as always greatly appreciated! ♡


	5. ashe stops thirdwheeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man I Love Fishing: We have four new students in class. They’ll be attending their first class tomorrow. 
> 
> Man I Love Fishing is offline.
> 
> watch haikyuu s4: huh??? :o
> 
> world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: huh?? new what????
> 
> let’s do it baby i know the law: hold on you can’t just say that and dip
> 
> all women are queens: new students?? i hope they’re sexy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY... we know it's been 6 months... we're really sorry but we're back baby we hope you enjoy! 
> 
> since there's some nickname updates and some new characters joining in this chapter, here's a reminder of who's who:
> 
> Edelgard: edgelord  
Hubert: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way  
Ferdinand: watch miss americana  
Dorothea: girl hot  
Petra: be crime do gay  
Bernadetta: sewing machine  
Caspar: five foot something and i’m royalty  
Linhardt: i’m baby
> 
> Dimitri: ronald mcdonald  
Dedue: love is stored in the dedue  
Ingrid: taylor swift  
Felix: Read 5:55 pm  
Sylvain: all women are queens  
Ashe: gay rights in the soup  
Mercedes: lawful good  
Annette: watch haikyuu s4
> 
> Claude: let’s do it baby i know the law  
Hilda: world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm  
Lysithea: midget  
Marianne: tired horse girl  
Raphael: vegan anti  
Ignatz: uwu ^-^  
Lorenz: if she breathes she’s a thot  
Leonie: dilf fucker
> 
> Yuri: lorenz could never  
Balthus: traitor  
Constance: can i speak to the manager  
Hapi: happy
> 
> Byleth: Man I Love Fishing

** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**2:36 pm**

**girl hot: ** everyone!! remember the mario kart tournament this weekend <3

**i’m baby: ** do we have to come

**girl hot: ** yes.

**i’m baby: ** ugh

**stream lover: ** i will be attending!

**watch naruto: ** ahh!! i can’t wait 

**girl hot: ** yay!! it’ll be fun i promise

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way:** If it were up to me, I would not attend, but Lady Edelgard insists.

**edgelord: ** yes i do. 

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** As you wish, my lady. 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** ew i’m going to barf if you don’t stop talking like that

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** Oh, my fair lady, please do not barf! But if you do, I will be there in an instant to wipe it off the floor for you. 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** thank you, my loyal servant. however, your service is not required at the moment. please lurk in the shadows until i summon you next.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** Understood, my lady. I will be awaiting your summons.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** I detest the both of you. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** Do not worry, my kind maiden, I will protect you from the evil vampire threatening you!

**dilf fucker: ** you guys are seriously so annoying

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** don’t remember asking for your opinion but thanks!

**dilf fucker: ** you’re welcome! 

**watch naruto: ** btw!!  **@gay rights in the soup ** what time are u home at?? :o

**gay rights in the soup: ** not until about 4:30 :( i have another class after this one

**watch naruto: ** it’s ok!! mercie baked before she left so we have some snacks ready ^^

**gay rights in the soup: ** nice!!! i can’t wait 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** what’s going on what are you doing later

**dilf fucker: ** nosy much?

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** yes i am <3

**watch naruto: ** we’re just going to catch up on the new episodes of haikyuu!! 

**watch naruto: ** oooo which reminds me i should change my nickname...can i do that?

**let's do it baby i know the law: ** go ahead 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** everyone is able to change their own nickname except lorenz bc we didn’t give him permission 

**watch naruto: ** alright!! ^^

  
  


**watch naruto ** changed their nickname to  **watch haikyuu s4**

  
  


**watch haikyuu s4: ** perfect!

**stream lover: ** omg we can change nicknames?

  
  


**stream lover ** has changed their nickname to  **watch miss americana**

  
  


**watch miss americana: ** all of you should’ve streamed lover by now so it’s time to watch miss americana (2020) on netflix

**all women are queens: ** yas king 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** i wish i could rid myself of this accursed nickname

**all women are queens: ** well...u can’t! we’re matching

**all women are queens: ** and until i change mine you’re stuck with that

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** perhaps if your personality was more agreeable, you would have better luck in the field of love

**all women are queens: ** uncalled for

**all women are queens: ** and rich coming from you

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** whatever do you mean? surely i have more success with my love life than you do

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** mmmmhmmm… sure

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** i’m sure all the girls just love sending you feet pics

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** i thought we agreed to never mention that again.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** only you agreed to that one buddy

**all women are queens: ** ok anyway we all hate lorenz 

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** hmph.

**all women are queens: ** so moving on

**all women are queens: ** i love haikyuu

**watch haikyuu s4: ** really? :o

**all women are queens: ** yea i’ve been a fan for ages

**all women are queens: ** since the beginning pretty much

**watch haikyuu s4: ** oooo well you can come over later and watch with us if you want!! 

**gay rights in the soup: ** ^^ definitely! 

**all women are queens: ** yooo sounds good!! thanks for the invite i’ll be there for sure

**dilf fucker: ** huh. sylvain has friends?

**all women are queens: ** everyone is so mean to me today 

**all women are queens: ** i do nothing and i still get attacked 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** everyone is always mean to you my man it’s not just today

**taylor swift: ** and with good reason

**all women are queens: ** :( you wound me ingrid

**all women are queens: ** moving on...isn’t manuela sexy as hell

**dilf fucker: ** wtf sylvain

**all women are queens: ** i don’t want to hear criticism from YOU of all people

**dilf fucker: ** i admire jeralt for things other than his looks. i’m not that shallow, unlike some people

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** ‘admire’

**all women are queens: ** HEY not my fault manuela IS hot!! it’s just the truth 

  
  


**Man I Love Fishing ** is online

  
  


**Man I Love Fishing: ** Yes. I agree, she is. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** TEACH???

**Man I Love Fishing: ** For once, Sylvain is correct. 

**all women are queens: ** i’m screenshotting this and framing it

**Man I Love Fishing: ** We have four new students in class. They’ll be attending their first class tomorrow. 

  
  


**Man I Love Fishing ** is offline.

  
  


**watch haikyuu s4: ** huh??? :o

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** huh?? new what????

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hold on you can’t just say that and dip

**all women are queens: ** new students?? i hope they’re sexy

**taylor swift: ** of course you do. you’re so predictable

**all women are queen: ** come on we were all thinking it

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** i would not say it in such crude terms, but perhaps one of the students will be a suitable partner for me? 

**midget: ** uhhhhhh

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** wtf

**dilf fucker: ** oh shut the hell up lorenz

**ronald mcdonald: ** ah! the new students may offer new enriching ideas to our class. this will be great!

**all women are queens: ** nerd

**baking queen: ** Oh ~ More people to bake for!!

**girl hot: ** oooo new students!! sounds exciting! 

**sewing machine:** ;; new students… i’m nervous 

**girl hot: ** it’ll be fine bernie!! <3

**girl hot: ** i’m sure they’ll be nice!

**sewing machine: ** ah,,, hopefully

**vegan anti: ** I hope one of the new students will be strong enough to be my training partner lol!

**dilf fucker: ** are none of us good enough for you raph

**vegan anti: ** No

**midget: ** wow

**tired horse girl: ** oh...

**uwu ^-^: ** :(

**dilf fucker: ** why do you hate us raph

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** man that really hurt...i’m upset

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** i feel bad knowing im not good enough for raph...

**vegan anti: ** No matter how insecure or shitty you feel,just remember that my muscles are massive and i can punch through walls!:)

**let’s do it baby i know the law: **. thanks buddy

**girl hot: ** you guys know what

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** what

**girl hot: ** we should invite the new guys to our mario kart tournament!! that way we can get to know them better

**watch haikyuu s4: ** :o yes that’s a great idea

**edgelord: ** wonderful idea, my dear.

**be crime do gay: ** i am liking that plan!! 

**girl hot: ** <3 i’ll ask them tomorrow after we’ve met them!

  
  


** _garreg mach homiesexuals _ **

**10:46 am**

**gay rights in the soup: ** i am mortified 

**gay rights in the soup: ** i have to leave the country right

**gay rights in the soup: ** i can’t ever be seen here again

**gay rights in the soup: ** it was nice knowing you all

**sewing machine: ** uhm… ashe whats happening?? ;; that sounds worrying.. 

**sewing machine: ** did something happen in class…? 

**midget: ** that’s a loaded question

**all women are queens: ** oh i’ll tell you what happened

**all women are queens: ** it’s pretty hilarious

**gay rights in the soup: ** NO ITS NOT?

**all women are queens: ** well humiliating for ashe but hilarious for everyone else

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** it was so funny LMAOOO

**gay rights in the soup: ** thanks.

**all women are queens: ** anyway allow me to explain 

**all women are queens: ** those new students byleth talked about showed up

**all women are queens: ** they’re sexy btw like i knew they would be 

**midget: ** can you just get to the point 

**all women are queens: ** and our friend ashe here thought one of them was particularly sexy… which i don’t blame him for 

**all women are queens: ** so he leant over to my desk and said

**all women are queens: ** i hope hes gay 

**all women are queens: ** and then i said are you kidding me of course he’s gay look at his eyeshadow 

**girl hot: ** it was pretty good eyeshadow

**girl hot:** i’ll have to ask him what brand he was using

**all women are queens: ** which i might have said a bit too loud bc everyone turned to look at us so basically new guy knows ashe wants into his pants 

**gay rights in the soup: ** I NEVER SAID THAT

**sewing machine: ** oh…! that is very embarrassing… i’m sorry ashe ;;

**gay rights in the soup: ** thank you bernie

**gay rights in the soup: ** at least somebody cares about me

**taylor swift: ** sylvain do you not feel any shame at all over this

**all women are queens: ** nope!

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hey the guy went on to proudly announce he’s bi why should sylvain be ashamed

**all women are queens: ** exactly… thank u claude

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** i think you helped ashe actually since now the guy knows he’s interested

**gay rights in the soup: ** please stop reminding me

**all women are queens: ** you’re so right….i planted the seeds of this relationship 

**gay rights in the soup: ** there is no relationship!!! 

**all women are queens: ** not yet there isn’t but there will be soon once i’m finished 

**dilf fucker: ** that sounds like a threat

**all women are queens: ** ashe i’ve decided to become your wingman

**dilf fucker: ** i was right it is a threat 

**gay rights in the soup: ** i appreciate the offer but i’m fine!! i don’t want that!!

**all women are queens: ** me accidentally indirectly hitting on yuri on your behalf is a sign from the goddess that i should be your wingman

**all women are queens: ** so

**all women are queens: ** from now on

**all women are queens: ** i, sylvain sexy jose gautier,

**taylor swift: ** that’s literally not your name.

**all women are queens: ** stfu…as i was saying...

**all women are queens: ** i’m making it my mission and life goal to get you a boyfriend 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** hell yeah sylvain! my bf deserves a bf

**taylor swift: ** huh

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** best friend deserves a boyfriend

**all women are queens: ** specifically a lovely purple haired boyfriend 

**all women are queens: ** and i think we all know i’m not talking about lorenz here

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** thank god for that. 

**ronald mcdonald: ** that is an admirable goal, sylvain! 

**gay rights in the soup: ** sylvain i said i don’t want a boyfriend 

**i’m baby: ** no i think you need one so u can stop thirdwheeling me and caspar

**all women are queens: ** nah ashe i’m getting you a boyfriend before you spend the rest of your life pining after someone who will never love you back

**taylor swift: ** oh my goddess

**uwu ^-^: ** uh...are you okay? 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** on god im gonna get you some therapy bro

**watch miss americana: ** it’s just like our queen said

**watch miss americana: ‘** dreaming about the day when you wake up and find that what you're looking for has been here the whole time if you can see I'm the one who understands you been here all along so why can't you see you belong with me’

**midget: ** ???

**all women are queens: ** she was right….as usual

**edgelord: ** ferdinand, whatever are you talking about?

**girl hot: ** it’s taylor swift lyrics babe

**edgelord: ** oh. i see.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** Ah, from her award winning single ‘You Belong With Me’?

**watch miss americana: ** yes!

**watch miss americana: ** wait what

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** ‘You Belong With Me’ is undoubtedly an iconic song that aptly captures the feeling of longing and jealousy, and its impact cannot be understated - however, I believe that ‘Untouchable’ would be better suited to this situation.

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** See: ‘But you're untouchable / Burning brighter than the sun /Now that you're close I feel like coming undone / In the middle of the night /When I'm in this dream / It's like a million little stars / Spelling out your name / You gotta come on, come on / Say that we'll be together’

**all women are queens: ** ODSHDFJKADVDKD

**watch miss americana:** i..

**watch miss americana: ** hubert i...i completely agree…

**watch miss americana: ** i gtg.

  
  


**watch miss americana ** is offline

  
  


**girl hot: ** hubie!! you broke him

**taylor swift: ** ...hubert listens to taylor swift?

**Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way: ** No. I do not.

  
  


** _dorothea and her himbos_ **

**11:17 am**

**watch miss americana: ** i think i’m in love

**girl hot: ** we know, ferdie. we know

  
  


** _garreg mach homiesexuals_ **

**11:18 am**

  
  


**Read 5:55pm: ** hm. sounds like you should sort your own love life out first before you start bothering ashe, sylvain.

**dilf fucker: ** oof burn

**all women are queens: ** are you offering to help me sort it out ;)

**Read 5:55pm: ** absolutely not. 

**all women are queens: ** maybe later then ;)

**Read 5:55pm: ** no. 

  
  


**lawful good ** is online

  
  


**lawful good: ** Guys! Professor Byleth said she wants you to get off your phones. 😊

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** oh whoops 

**ronald mcdonald: ** apologies, professor.

**edgelord: ** right. let’s all get back to class.

  
  


** _garreg mach homiesexuals _ **

**12:26 pm**

**girl hot: ** guys!! 

**girl hot: ** i’ve talked to the new guys and they would love to join us for the mario kart tournament this weekend! i’ll add them to the chat so we can get to know them

**gay rights in the soup: ** oh no

**all women are queens: ** oh YES

  
  


**girl hot ** added  **Yuri Leclerc, Constance von Nuvelle, Balthus von Albrecht ** and  **Hapi Timotheos ** to the group

  
  


**Balthus von Albrecht: ** hey guys!!

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** Hello. Pleasure to meet you all!

**Hapi Timotheos: ** hi.

**Yuri Leclerc: ** well hello.. which one of you lovely guys was the one hitting on me earlier?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** FKDLSJFCKMXFKJNXCM

**gay rights in the soup: ** no one!!! 

**all women are queens: ** oh it was someone alright

**gay rights in the soup: ** no they went home

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** wait hold on

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** everyone shut up

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** BALTIE???????? 

**dilf fucker: ** huh

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** who’s baltie

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** hilda goneril is that you??

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hilda u know this guy???

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** YES

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** oh heyy it’s been a while! 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** why did u leave my brother.

**i’m baby: ** he what now

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** KFJSDKLFLK straight to the point..

**watch miss americana: ** oh this gay drama… 

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** uhhhhh

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** yes? i want an explanation 

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** that’s actually kind of a long story… i’m surprised holst didn’t tell you

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** tell me what?? 

**Yuri Leclerc: ** oookay why don’t we introduce ourselves properly! 

**ronald mcdonald: ** a fine idea, yuri! 

**edgelord: ** yes, please, go ahead. 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** i will not forget about this

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** I will, of course, go first! 

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** I am Constance of the fine family Nuvelle. I am delighted to be here meeting you all! 

**midget: ** are we like meant to know who the nuvelles are

**edgelord: ** they’re a family in the empire. 

**midget: ** tells me nothing but okay 

**lawful good: ** Ah, Constance! It’s Mercedes, do you remember me? 

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** Lovely Mercedes, of course I do! I could not have asked for better childhood friends than you and Emile. Tell me, how are you both doing? It has been quite a while. 

**all women are queens: ** dear goddess this is worse than when dimitri types

**love is stored in the dedue: ** Do be quiet, Sylvain.

**lawful good: ** Me and Emile are both doing fine! 🙏🏼 Emile is actually a teacher here, so you might run into him. 

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** I am, of course, looking forward to that! Lovely to meet you again, dear Mercedes. 

**watch haikyuu s4: ** aww what a cute reunion!! i can’t wait to get to know you constance! c: 

**Yuri Leclerc: ** adorable. i’ll go next

**Yuri Leclerc: ** i’m yuri, i wear great eyeshadow, i’m bi and available ;)

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** FKSJDFKLSMFKSFJS

**all women are queens: ** amazing.. all going according to plan

**gay rights in the soup: ** STOP IT SYLVAIN

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** okay idk what that’s all about but i’m balthus! i have the best muscles and i’m a king at the gym

**vegan anti: ** ?

**dilf fucker: ** oh boy

**uwu ^-^: ** here he comes

**vegan anti: ** No one has better muscles than me! If you think you can beat me ill challenge you to a weight competition!>:(

**uwu ^-^: ** he used an angry face...he’s mad

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** ha! okay, ‘vegan anti’

**vegan anti: ** Im Raphael

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** okay ‘Raphael’

**vegan anti: ** Its on ‘Baltie’

**girl hot: ** okay let’s just move on

**girl hot: ** what about you hapi?

**Hapi Timotheos: ** me?

**girl hot: ** yes!! we want you to introduce yourself too <3

**Hapi Timotheos: ** fine. 

**Hapi Timotheos: ** i’m hapi. girls. i love coco.

**girl hot: ** that’s it?

**Hapi Timotheos: ** yes.

**watch miss americana: ** who’s coco 

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** That would be me! I am Hapi’s girlfriend. 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** omg is every new student gay

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** looks like it!

**Yuri Leclerc: ** is everyone in this chat gay?

**all women are queens: ** no  **@taylor swift ** is our token straight person

**taylor swift:** i’m ingrid 

**all women are queens: ** BUT

**all women are queens: ** you know who is definitely gay

**all women are queens: ** my cute friend ashe aka  **@gay rights in the soup **

**all women are queens: ** ;)

**gay rights in the soup: ** SYLVAIN.

**Yuri Leclerc: ** oh? are you the one from class?

**gay rights in the soup: ** no he dropped out actually

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** bro….

**Yuri Leclerc: ** well! that’s too bad, since i wanted to thank him in person for his compliment 

**gay rights in the soup: ** hhhh...he’s gone. sorry

**love is stored in the dedue: ** It seems like we have met all the new students now. 

**love is stored in the dedue: ** Welcome. I am Dedue.

**ronald mcdonald: ** ah! it seems our own introductions are in order. i am dimitri - we met this morning, if i recall correctly?

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** no we can do proper intros later we have to talk about something more important first

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** now that everyone’s here u guys need new nicknames

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** Nicknames? Surely you can’t mean we need such crude nicknames as the rest of you. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** oh yes that’s exactly what you need

**Constance von Nuvelle: ** I refuse. Where is the professor? I would like to file a complaint. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** ok miss can i speak to the manager

  
  


**let’s do it baby i know the law ** changed  **Constance von Nuvelle’s ** nickname to  **can i speak to the manager**

  
  


**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** FKDSJLKXCJJ

**midget: ** i hate to admit it but that was a good one.

**all women are queens: ** oh i have a good one

  
  


**all women are queens ** changed  **Yuri Leclerc’s ** nickname to  **lorenz could never**

  
  


**lorenz could never: ** huh? who is lorenz

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** that would be me.

**lorenz could never: ** are you that other purple haired guy?

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** yes.

**lorenz could never: ** ah, then i agree. you could never pull off my eyeshadow, honey 

**midget: ** oh i approve of him

**dilf fucker: ** oof sick burn

**all women are queens: ** LSMDKSDFJ i love yuri already

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** i am affronted.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** hey lorenz i think you could pull off eyeshadow

**if she breathes she’s a thot: ** ...thank you, claude.

**midget: ** cringe

**all women are queens: ** yuri i think your bluntness would work well with my friend ashe who is a really sweet person and also very cute

**all women are queens: ** opposites attract as they say

**all women are queens: ** not trying to imply you’re not cute btw bcos you’re sexy as hell 

**Read 5:55pm: ** date him yourself then.

**all women are queens: ** nah...not my type! no offense

**lorenz could never: ** none taken

**all women are queens: ** and don’t worry ur also cute felix ;) 

**Read 5:55pm: ** no.

**all women are queens: ** shot down again

**all women are queens: ** anyways..yuri...you’re not for me BUT 

**all women are queens: ** my friend ashe on the other hand...he has a type and you fit it

**gay rights in the soup: ** do you ever STOP

**all women are queens: ** no? why would i 

**lorenz could never:** ashe? are you sure you’re not the guy from this morning?

**gay rights in the soup: ** yeah im sure

  
  


**gay rights in the soup ** is offline

  
  


**all women are queens: ** coward

**lorenz could never: ** hm. i’ll have my fun with this one

**watch miss americana: ** help?? what does that mean

**lorenz could never: ** oh don’t worry. your friend is cute

**i’m baby: ** and that is supposed to make us feel better how? 

**lorenz could never: ** it’s not. tell your friend to call me ;)

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** oh hell yeah i definitely will

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** ...anyway

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** we still have two more nicknames to assign! @ **Hapi Timotheos** what are you feeling?

**Hapi Timotheos: ** nothing. leave me alone.

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** well aren’t you… happy ;)

  
  


**let’s do it baby i know the law ** changed  **Hapi Timotheos’ ** nickname to  **happy**

  
  


**happy: ** ha ha. very funny

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** thank you i know

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** what about you @ **Balthus von Albrecht **

**Balthus von Albrecht: ** uhhh let me think

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** no need i know the perfect one

  
  


**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm ** changed  **Balthus von Albrecht’s ** nickname to  **traitor**

  
  


**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** :)

**traitor: ** ah :(

**traitor: ** hilda i promise i’ll talk to you about the holst situation later

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** don’t call my brother a ‘situation’

**traitor: ** right, sorry

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** but you better tell me about it

**traitor: ** i will

**all women are queens: ** hold up

**all women are queens: ** who the hell gave you admin rights

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** claude shares everything with me 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** and that includes admin rights

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** it’s part of our best friend contract 

**five foot something and i’m royalty: ** y’all have a contract?

**midget: ** they do. it’s framed and hangs in the living room

**be crime do gay: ** Wow! That is sounding like a dedication friendship. 

**let’s do it baby i know the law: ** best friends for life babey

**all women are queens: @Read 5:55pm @ronald mcdonald @taylor swift ** let’s get one of those

**taylor swift: ** no

**Read 5:55pm: ** no

**ronald mcdonald: ** brilliant idea sylvain! i would be delighted to

**all women are queens: ** at least i know if nobody else got me...dimitri got me

**ronald mcdonald: ** always, ‘bro’ :)

**all women are queens: ** BRO…

**girl hot: ** ok more importantly 

**all women are queens: ** more important than dimitri being my bro? 

**girl hot: ** yes definitely

**girl hot: ** mario kart party @ hilda’s at 5pm!!! i better see everyone there

**girl hot: ** dm me or her if u need the address 

**world hard and cold. tiddy soft and warm: ** preferably her.. i’m taking a nap

**girl hot: ** fine dm me then

**girl hot: ** i can’t wait!! it’s gonna be fun i promise

  
  


** _lorenz could never → gay rights in the soup_ **

**2:47 pm**

**lorenz could never: ** i hope i’ll see you tonight?

**gay rights in the soup: ** ha! yes. sure. you will

**lorenz could never: ** you’re so cute

**lorenz could never: ** looking forward to it ;)

  
  


** _gay rights in the soup → all women are queens_ **

**2:58 pm**

**gay rights in the soup: ** sylvain

**all women are queens: ** wassup

  
**gay rights in the soup:** i’m going to kill you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the super long wait!! real life and school has consumed us but we're back with this chapter and will try to be back more consistently for future updates! we know we said this chapter would be the mario kart one, but after the reveal of the dlc characters we figured we had to put them in there first. mario kart coming up next though!


End file.
